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The Tragedy With Love

Apr 25, 2007 Uncategorized

Love is such a wonderful feeling. Specially when a relationship is just starting. There is this thing called Bliss. It’s a feeling of elation that is felt on budding relationships. Why am I talking about this?

Well, recently my sister and her boyfriend ended their 6-year-long relationship. The truth is, until now, I am still affected by it. Just thinking about it right now makes me cry.

I remember an email that was sent to me a few weeks back. Let me share it with everyone:

THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question.
She said,
“How do I know if I married the right person?”

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said,
“It depends. Is that your husband?”
In all seriousness, she answered,
“How do you know?”

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind.

Here’s the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and
liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… because it’s happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.”
Think about the imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades.

It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead
of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller
or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage.
It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON. IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It will NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the _expression “the labor of love.”

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage
work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things that you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your
relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. And if you know and apply the laws, the results are
predictable… you can “make” love.

Love in marriage is indeed a “decision”… not just a feeling.

What’s sad is the fact that the I have grown to love the guy like a brother. Even though he has his own faults, I can’t help but really feel for him. I mean, I had a feeling that the girl has someone else already, so I picked up her cellphone to investigate. Just as I thought, there is someone else.

It angered me when I checked the dates of the text messages. They were sent during the times when they haven’t broken up yet. When I talked to the guy, he said there is no third party. I think he doesn’t know, or maybe he doesn’t want to tell me. He also mentioned that he has issues to fix, and when he’s done, he would ask for her back. I even told him to still come over some time. I know I am not in the place to tell him what’s the real score, because my sister is not telling me anything. We haven’t spoken about what happened.

When I was talking to the phone with Ryan about this matter, I couldn’t help but cry. It really feels like I broke up with him (sister’s boyfriend), too. My other sister mentioned to me that one of the reasons of the break up, was the guy’s low self-esteem. That really made me angrier. I mean, why did my sister have to compare him to this new guy? Why didn’t she just help him get over this?

Fact is, when you compare someone to another, there would always be something that he has or lack thereof that you would see.

The One:
When you are already in a serious relationship, you should have your mind set that the one you’re with is the one, because when you think that the one is still out there, then you will never be satisfied with what you have, and you are likely to stray…

Love the one you’re with.

I guess, my sister has her own reasons. I don’t want to judge her more than I am now. I just hate the fact that she cheated. That’s the only term I could think of with what she did. I just thought that if she wanted to be with someone new, she should’ve ended her relationship first before engaging into another. I just can’t tolerate what she did. It really hurts that I have to think of her that way. It does hurt so much.

I also think that if they had a more open communication, this wouldn’t have to come to this. Six years. I guess 6 is just a number, but with all those shared memories, I just can’t help but think that all’s wasted. But then maybe, this is where it would really end up…

The new guy? He’s 8 years older than my sister and I can’t help but be very worried about her. I barely know this guy. I don’t know this guy. She just met him last November! I haven’t even seen him in person. Who knows what he’s like? I just fear that she’s getting serious too soon. I hope she really could take care of herself now. I am always going to be the older sister who worries about her younger brother and sisters.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” - Kahlil Gibran

“You wondered how you’d make it through. I wondered what was wrong with you. Because how could you give your love to someone else, yet share your dreams with me? Sometimes the only thing you’re looking for, is the one thing you can’t see.” - Vanessa Williams

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing” - Anais Nin

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