Filipina Web Designer in her 20s. | What I Say

Wala Na Akong Lakas

Mar 17, 2005 Daily Blurbs

I don’t know why, most of the time, I feel like my mother never understands me. Everyday, I come home from work, I give my dad a kiss, and I give my mom a hug. It makes me feel great every time I come near them. It gives me a sense of myself, like, every tired bone and muscle in my body disappears; like all the bad calls I received that day that made me feel so exhausted, just fade away from my memory. It makes me feel that everything that I am doing matters.

For the past few days, I haven’t been myself. I feel so tired, like my life is very monotonous. I miss my family a lot, and I miss spending a day with them, maybe watching a movie or eating out. We haven’t done that in a while. Today is my dad’s birthday. I woke up at 6:30am, even if I could oversleep because it’s my day off, so that I could, maybe, help out. My mom asked me to wash the dishes, and finish the laundry, while she and my dad go to the market to buy food for my dad’s guests. I did everything she asked me to, I even did some extra cleaning. When my mom came home, she has this gloomy look in her face; I came to her and thought that maybe I could give her a hug. I gave her a hug; she didn’t even hug me back, nor said anything. She then gave out orders. Barked orders. That’s what I don’t like about her. I don’t like taking orders from someone who can’t ask nicely. It doesn’t give me the drive to follow. I’ve always told her that; she never listens.

I would always give my mom the benefit of the doubt; that maybe she’s tired. But this only happens to me. She can ask my sister to do something; but she only barks orders to me. I would tell her over and over that she could ask me nicely, but she never ever listens. She would just snap at me. It hurts me a lot. She doesn’t understand that I always make an effort. It seems like she refuses to see it. I don’t even want to work right now, and she was the one who forced me to do so. And now, she would tell me why in the world is my schedule 3am in the morning?! I’d tell her that she was the one who knew about this in the first place before she even recommended the company that I am working for right now. Doesn’t she even consider that I get tired, too? Doesn’t she see that the salary I get, I give to them?

I am just so drained… so tired. I don’t want to deal with a lot right now. I refuse to think. I refuse to feel. I don’t know what’s real anymore, what’s viable. My family is the only real thing to me right now, but if they aren’t anymore, then what is?

Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts