Filipina Web Designer in her 20s. | What I Say

Semi Paranoia

Apr 11, 2006 Daily Blurbs, School

I really hate it when I feel like I am being played. Even if I don’t have any proof right now, still, this kind of feeling reeks bad! Argh! Truly, this feeling bugs me like it is the plague that hit the nation! Imagine the horrific thought of plummeting to the deepest crevice on earth? Maybe I am entering in the zone of paranoia again.

I know, I know… I sound so exaggerated. But I become really paranoid when it comes to these kind of feelings. What am I talking about anyway? Sigh…

I have always had my personal space in tact. I mean, I don’t lower my guard down to anyone if I don’t feel like being close to someone. But when I do, most of the time it results to a broken heart and a crushed ego. This applies to all my relationships in general; like friendship and boy-girl relationships. It sucks that I had to be anti-social at times. I can’t blame myself for that. I’ve been bruised and been glued back to pieces a lot of times. I think, I can still see the imaginary cracked skin that I have when I look at myself in the mirror.

I shouldn’t even be in the pity-myself-mode, but I feel really crappy. Sometimes, I just see myself in this kind of state. It’s sad that I can’t control it. I try my best to always have an upbeat mood, but it’s hard to be positive all the time. I am known to be a pessimist and it has worked for me over the years. Maybe, all the negative energy are making me paranoid, but I don’t want to risk walking in the clouds just to walk into a stinking air hole!

If you have read my entry about my best bud and I falling out, well, something good happened. I decided to be the bigger person here. One night, I saw that he was online at YM. His status says, Kamusta ka naman? I don’t know if that was meant for me. I didn’t chat with him. Still keeping my pride so high up in the clouds. Anyway, I saw that he’s online again and his status read Tell me how to braid my hair? I remembered when I went to Puerto Galera that I did have my hair braided, so I asked if his hair was long enough to be braided. I was holding my breath, thinking, would he reply? He did! Turned out that he went to Puerto Galera recently with his colleagues and he had his hair braided, too. I still am not sure if we’re good, but, that was a step towards reconciliation. Our conversation was civil and he was eager to show some of their pictures, so I decided to accept that as a happy moment.

I am planning to go back to school this June. I want to take up Multimedia Arts, but some of the schools that has that degree just costs too much! Like iAcademy, CSB and APC. Another school that offers this course is STI, but I am not sure if that would be a good school for me. I need school funding! Then I have another dilemma… My former school, Mapua and I have unresolved issues. I applied for LOA (Leave of Absence) and they seemed to have lost my form. So they messed up my records and now I owe them more than Php10,000! I don’t want to settle that account but if I don’t, they won’t give me my transcript. Now, I only have a copy of it that they sent thru email. I hate that I don’t have the money, and I hate that my dad won’t give me the money and I hate that no one seems to want to help me! Is there anyone who wants to donate for my school fund?? I only need $250 to settle my account with Mapua and then maybe I can get a scholarship so I can get into a better school.

I added one new link, and it’s Phoebe. I also put my other linkages on my sidebar so it’s easier for me to click and visit them as well.

Tags: Argh, Daily Blurbs, Thoughts

About A Guy

Apr 7, 2006 Daily Blurbs

Taglish entry ahead!

Kaya gusto kong mag-blog ng tagalong kasi baka mapadaan dito si Heinz. Sino nga ba sya? Naku, basahin nyo nalang itong entry na ito.

Ngayong buwan, nagkaroon ng dalawang linggong hindi kami nagka-usap. Sa totoo lang, nalilito pa ako sa nararamdaman ko tungkol sa kanya. Marami kaming napag-uusapan at napapagkwentuhan. Parang hindi kami nauubusan ng topics. So, nung dalawang linggong wala sya, as in totally wala, nun ko naramdaman na nami-miss ko pala sya. Nasa isang mission kasi sila noon. Classified information. Naks! Araw-araw, iniisip ko kung ano na bang nangyayari sa kanya. Hindi ko kasi alam na meron pala silang mission somewhere in the woods.

Isang araw, pagbukas ko ng messages ko sa Myspace, meron syang message. Hindi ko pa nababasa yun, napangiti na ako! Hahaha! Syempre, binasa ko. Naramdaman ko nalang na yung ngiti ko ay ear to ear. Hahaha! Sabi nya sa message nya, tumakas lang daw sya sa barracks nila para makahanap ng pinakamalapit na convenient store. Pagdating nya dun, nagtanong sya sa may-ari kung meron silang internet at kung pwedeng maki-gamit. Kaso lang, wala. Nagkataon, may nakarinig sa sinabi nya at pinahiram sya ng laptop. At ayun, dali-dali syang nag-message sa akin. Sabi nga nya, muntik na syang mahuli, at pag nahuli sya, siguradong he�ll get into trouble. As in BIG trouble. Nung nagka-usap na kami uli, sabi ko, hindi nya dapat ginawa yun kasi nga baka napasama talaga sya sa bossing nya. Sabi naman nya, that�s how special I am, daw. *blush blush*

Sabihin na nating meron parin akong takot sa ganito, kasi madalas, things are too good to be true. Ang nakakatuwa, madalas, ung construction ng sentences namin, halos pareho. Napag-usapan din namin yung tungkol sa pamilya namin. Nag-email kasi sa kanya yung brother nya. Sabi nya nakapag-sabi daw ng masama yung brother nya tungkol dun sa huli nyang girlfriend. Tapos nagtanong ako kung importante ba kung magugustuhan ng pamilya ang magiging girlfriend nya. Sabi nya, medyo daw. Close sya sa parents nya at kapatid nya. Tapos bigla nyang sinabi, I know they�ll like you. *blush blush*

Palagi nalang nya ako ginaganon, I mean, natatanga ako. Speechless. Nung huli kaming nag-usap, I asked him to sing for me. Alam kong hindi ganong kaganda boses nya. Imagine, tiniis ko yun! Isang buong kanta yun. Favorite nya yung 3 Doors Down, so ang kinanta nya, Landing In London. Tapos tanong sya ng tanong kung bakit ko sya pinakanta. Di ko naman masabi ang dahilan� na gusto kong boses nya ang LSS ko.

In love na nga ba ako? O baka naman overwhelmed lang ako sa mga nangyayari. Hindi lang naman sya ang nanliligaw(?) sa akin ngayon. Napaka-blunt nya, katulad ko. He has told me he liked me, pero, like me as what?

Naalala ko, naikwento ko sa kanya si GP (ArchDevil), sabi ko para ko na syang little brother. Para kasing nagseselos sya, akala nya we had a thing, kasi I am fond of GP. Best friend ko na sya, kung matatawag. Tapos sabi nya, I don�t want you to be my sister. Akala ko typo lang. Hahaha! Ayaw nya daw na itrato ko sya as my big brother. So I told him, I don�t need another big brother, I have lots of cousins for that. Syempre natuwa naman sya. Hahaha!

Isang beses, nag-email ako sa kanya. Sabi ko yung classmate ko nagtanong sa akin kung pwede daw ba akong maging girlfriend nya. Hypothetically. Na-misinterpret nya tuloy. Akala nya, may boyfriend na nga ako, at sinabi nya na he�d better treat me right daw. Hahaha! Pero nung nag-usap na kami uli, sabi nya, he knew na wala nga akong bf, kasi napaka-blunt ko daw. Tama nga sya.

Ang isa sa mga gusto ko sa kanya eh yung pagiging diretso nya. Pareho kaming blunt. Kasi, ang mga Pinoy, madalas puro palabok ang sinasabi. Kung ayaw nila, kunwari gusto, pero halata naman kung ano ang totoo. Yun ang isa sa hinahanap ko sa isang tao. An honest person is important to me. I saw that in him. Sana, he�s not too good to be true. Sigh…

Last note: I am so in love with Elliot Yamin’s voice…

Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts

I Am Comfortable With My Curves

Apr 5, 2006 Daily Blurbs

Update: New layout! Yay!

A friend(?) from high school text messaged me today. He was just asking me how I was doing with my love life, my school and my job. I said, My love life is getting there, school’s just over and will go back in June, and my job? I’ve resigned. I thought that it was going to be a pleasant exchange of messages but, leave that to him for it to be pleasant!

A little history, I met him in high school because he is the best friend of my ex-boyfriend. He used to make my life miserable by calling me everyday pretending that he was my ex. Of course, I knew the truth.

When we all went to college, I thought, At last I won’t see him again! But he became a close friend of my best friend in high school. When she’d ask me to eat out or watch a movie, most of the time, she’d let him tag along. He would always talk about how I looked, like how my hair is longer or shorter, that my I looked like some celebrity, or that I was thinner, or fatter. I hated it!

Today, he asked, Are you slim again? I said, Let’s just say, I am happy with how I look like now. He then replied, That just sums it up. You haven’t started dieting again! The nerve of that guy! I wanted to kick his arse! I just told him, Does it matter? I don’t think so! At least, 3 other guys don’t think so, too. To my dismay, he replied with, Yeah, whatever you say…

He’s never going to change. He would always be that superficial jerk I knew since high school. So he looks good, would that matter to me if he acts like a jerk? NOT!

I know where my reality lies. I am not the sexiest girl out there, but so what? It doesn’t matter how you look like, what matters is what’s inside your brain and how you treat other people. There is more to me than my physical appearance. If it was such a big deal to me, I would’ve been anorexic. I would hate food. But I love to eat, and I am comfortable with how I look. I don’t want to be perceived as one sexy chick. I don’t work hard to feed knowledge to my brain to be an eyecandy.

It’s frustrating sometimes that most people are into what they see. I have yet to meet a man who’d see me for who I am and not for how good I’d look beside him. If you are benefitted with the best looks or a hot body, work on your personality. I know it sounds clich������, but that’s just how I think it goes. What you can put out there that are useful, are plus points to you.

Anyway, I have my first hostee. Her name is Rachel The website is still coming soon, I just finished setting up her WP. Hopefully she emails me back asap.

I have other things to talk about, but I’d do that in the following days. I am so sleepy

Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts