Nostalgia
Mar 31, 2006 Daily Blurbs
It rained yesterday. A wave of nostalgia came over me. Familiar feelings, familiar smell, familiar thoughts. It was a good feeling. It has been a long time since I last felt those things. The feeling of familiarity and excitement. How do I describe it?
Well, a good two years back, I met this guy, when the weather was always raining. He was of good breeding. He was someone that seemed to have come from a good dream. Hahaha! How fairytale-ish! I know I don’t miss him, but I miss the feeling of being in that situation. That there was someone who misses me everyday, calls me long distance, sends me MMS pictures so that I don’t feel lonely, makes me smile when I am down, meets me up for coffee and a good conversation… Who can blame me for wanting that again? Everyone needs someone. Sadly, these love affairs only come in a selected time. It’s like inside a time continuum and love only comes at a certain point in the x and y planes. And if you are not on the right plane, you miss it.
A good friend once told me that she’s noticed a change in me. The confidence that used to exude from me is not so obvious anymore. I guess, after all those breakups and being misled too many times by the people I trust, made me who I am. Now, it is a great deal for me when I meet up with a guy. It’s like, I have to be really sure if I wanted him to be a part of my life. I don’t want just anyone in. I am very cynical and careful when it comes to adding certain people in my plane.
On a lighter note, I think I am having more fun now. I get to go out with my friends out of town and I get to be more laid back. I’ve noticed the change in me. I am more relaxed and outgoing. I used to have my own world, where nobody can enter. It was a fear for me that when someone gets through, there is a chance for my world to be ruined. But I’ve gotten stronger and wiser. I guess you get that when you’ve been through an emotional turmoil. I am not saying that I have the worst problems; I know that some people have much more worse things to deal with, but this is my life, and I have no control with theirs, only in mine that I do.
Anyway, I made 3 layouts for my blog, but when I tried them all, the sidebar was being stubborn. It’s a good thing that Sarah was there last night and she helped me figure it out. She even uploaded the theme on her site to check if it’s working fine. Turned out, one of my posts have an unclosed tag, “< div align = “left’ >”. Again, a BIG thank you, Sarah!
Lastly, I have a new blog tenant. She is Lucy, a mom of three kids. She is a southerner. Please visit her blog. It is interesting.
Oh yeah, I have new pictures. 
Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts
I Was Once The “Other Woman”
Mar 29, 2006 Daily Blurbs
Attention:
Long entry ahead. Interesting, though.
I don’t know how I should write about this. Only a couple of friends knew about the situation I was in last year. I decided to do this because I came accross a certain topic at Pinay Talk about “Cheater or Cheated?”. Mind you, before you judge me, read everything ’til the last period.
It was about this time, a year ago, when I met someone. Let’s call him Carlo. We became close as each day passed by because we do enjoy each other’s company. I am aware that he is already taken and at that time they just celebrated their first year anniversary. The people around us have noticed how close we were. One even said that if he didn’t really know us, he would think we had a relationship. The closeness that we have was not an overnight thing. I used to hate his guts. One of my close friends even said that she noticed him looking at me differently.
I know how it feels to be cheated on. My last boyfriend did that to me more than once and it did hurt like you’ve been ran over by a train. Although I’ve never been ran over! Anyway, I have never planned to be in love(?) with him. I saw him as a brother before, and I would even tell him to talk to his parents to adopt me as a joke. We would laugh it off and he would playfully slap me in the face. Sometimes, with our common girl friend, we would call him on his cellphone and I’d pretend to call him “Honey” and make up stories like, “Honey! Where are you at?! We have been waiting for you. (Insert pouty lips here)” There was a time when he answered his phone hands free and his brother heard me saying those to him, which of course ended with “Dude, where are you? Andito na kami sa bar ng barkada.” Yes, I call him Dude.
One fine day, he asked me to accompany him to buy his girlfriend a present. We always walked arm in arm, just like I do with my other guy friends, but that day, he held my hand. I didn’t think differently of it, I just thought he was just being sweet like a brother. After shopping for a gift, we shared a plate of pasta at Sbarro. We, of course, had to head home. He watched me ride the FX then he waited, standing there, as the FX disappeared from the corner. Now, thinking about it, I was also watching him disappear from my sight as my ride pulled out from the parking lot. We always send text messages when we part ways, just like I do with my other friends. On that day, this is what he sent, “Hon, take care on your way home. Thanks for your time. Nakakatuwa tayo. Strange. Yun lng.” My reply to that was, “Dude, hon?! U take care, too. I dunno what you find strange, but we both know u are weird!” Then I noticed that he didn’t stop text messaging me ’til he had fallen asleep that night. I didn’t think of anything unusual at that time, I just thought he needed someone to talk to.
The following days were fed with confusion as to what is happening. When I am at work, he emails me all the time. We chat through email. It is actually forbidden to send an email from work to outside networks. I do it anyway. 
He started calling me Hon constantly but I kept on calling him Dude until he said, “Please stop calling me, dude. Hon is much better Ü” For me, that was a joke, so I did start calling him Hon. I don’t know what happened. Suddenly, he kept on seeing me. Highly unusual, considering that we are just close friends and he’s got a girlfriend.
We never really talked about what we are. He just tells me that from just a friend, he now sees me as someone special. He would mention things like he is very happy when we are together and that he doesn’t want to me to leave his side. Inside my head, I didn’t want to feel the things I felt. But of course, there is the heart.
After a week of confusion, I finally told him what’s on my mind. From my office, we walked the deserted streets of the city and found a coffee shop. (I used to work at a Call Center, Tech Support for Dell Computers) I said that I am confused about what we are and I am fully aware that he’s got a girlfriend and I don’t want us to hurt her. He said that he doesn’t know what we are. Biglaan lang daw. We both decided that night that we have to revert back to what we were. Just friends. No more Hons, just Dudes. We walked back to the office and his phone was playing our favorite song, Tattooed On My Mind. I thought we both acted as adults in that situation. I thought everything was understood.
Surprise, surprise. Nothing changed. Seemed like we can’t stop being extra sweet to each other. Sweetness defined as eating lunch together, watching movies, talking a lot on the phone, text messaging all day long and him, stealing a stare at me. I knew it was wrong to be like that with him. I wanted to do the right thing, but at the back of my mind, I do want to be with him, and at times I wished I was the one.
Funny how the feeling of love(?) blocks out other things. I guess, at that time, I loved the feeling of having someone. I even thought for a time that he’d leave her for me. But as reality sank in, I knew that it was bound to end. Soon.
After a month and a half of covering my eyes and ears from the truth, I finally decided to put an end to my stupidity. I asked him if we could eat out. After eating our favorite food, pasta, I got down to the details. I told him that we had to be just friends again, and this time it would be a permanent deal.
I understood that he had to distance himself from me. We didn’t talk for a long while. When we pass by each other, we’d nod, we’ll say Hi sometimes. After that period, I was able to move on and be the way I was before with him when we were just plain friends. It was different on his end, though. I think it took longer for him to move on because I could feel the tension from him when we’re around each other.
But now, it is a whole different story. We’ve put the past behind us. We’re back to normal again. Yes. I was once the other woman, but I was smart enough to handle the situation. Well, his girlfriend never knew about it. We agreed never to tell anyone, but I did tell a couple of trusted friends. How could I have gone through it alone?
When we were together, of course, it wasn’t all heaven.
Sometimes, I still think that I did love him. I even think that he still loves me. I cry, sometimes, before I go to sleep. He is a part of who I am today.
As for them…
They’re still together and I’m truly glad. I knew she’s the one for him and she’d make him happy. Sometimes it feels weird when all of us are in the same room. It feels good though, that there are certain looks and expressions that only we can understand.
Last thing before I stop typing… I won Ate Rose’s Site of the Month!
She made a link button for me:
Thanks Ate Rose!
Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts
Friends and Falling Out
Mar 26, 2006 Daily Blurbs
This afternoon, I will be going out with 2 of my good friends, Karl and Kat. No, they are not related. :cheerful: We are planning on staying in Karl’s condo for a while and then go out tonight. A movie, maybe. I will post our pictures as soon as I get home.
Anyway, I am looking for hostees. Just two for now. For more information, please go to my domain. I am buying more space for my domain, so now I am offering hosting for bloggers like me.
Just a thought:
Why do I miss someone who I don’t have feelings for? (I think, I don’t) :-S
UPDATE:
So, we went out today. First, we all met up at Starbucks @ Walter Mart. We talked about stuff, about our lives and what we’re going to do. I missed those two! I have a few friends, and I am glad they’re one of them. After Starbucks, we headed to Chowking to eat. We hang out at Karl’s condo so that Kat can download some mp3 to her new iPod Nano! I wish I had one. She also copied the pics I brought from my flash drive. We also ate the siopao Karl steamed for us. Then we headed to Don Bosco Church to hear mass.
Well, I haven’t heard mass for a long time. I don’t know but, my religion isn’t clear to me anymore.I am not an aetheist, as my mother insists that I am, when I don’t hear mass, it’s just that I am still soul searching. I do believe in God, and when I pray, I always cry… 
We did watch Nanny Mcphee. It was a good movie, warts and all. There is a quote that Nanny McPhee used that I liked:
When you need me, but do not want me, then I will stay. When you want me, but do not need me, then I have to go. ~ Nanny McPhee
We all enjoyed the movie. We laughed a lot. I wish there were more days like this, where I can be with the people that I care about and share parts of our time with each other having fun.
On that note, I do miss my friend. My so-called best friend. We had a huge argument earlier this month. I didn’t blog about it with a reason that I don’t know how to.
You see, he has changed. He used to be the kind of person who is full of energy; someone who makes you laugh all the time; someone who makes you feel better every time you are down; someone who can speak of things that make sense. Now, he is just the opposite. I used to call him at least twice a week to ask how he’s doing, and one time, he said that he just wants a quieter life. A life without us, his friends. I thought that he was just going through some phase and so I let him be.
Last month, he told me that he was having problems at home, so I asked what it was and if I could help. He said that he didn’t want to talk about it. Since then, I never brought it up. He doesn’t want to be asked too many times because he gets annoyed. As a friend, I made sure he knew that I was there for him anytime. Every night we’d talk in YM and I’d always ask how he’s doing. He says he was doing OK then he’d mention the gadgets he wants to buy and things like that. I thought that he was really doing ok. But apparenty, he wasn’t.
One night, we had our usual chats and we started the conversation right. Then I just had to ask how he is and he said that he is at work for a 6th day overtime adding that he doesn’t have an eff*in life. I told him that it is his choice if he wanted to have a life. He said that he already made a choice. I never really knew why he wanted a quiter life, so I asked. Then he began talking about his friends, that he just didn’t want people to abuse his being submissive, and that some of his friends are just there when he is needed. In short, fair-weathered. I asked if he thought of me that way and he replied with, “I am not sure. Use your imagination.” WHAT?!:wtf: Then things got heated up because it seems that he is implying that I am not his friend, or something like that. He even called me an insenstive prick because I told him to treat me when his salary comes, and I always say that to him as a joke. I’m always the one who treats him. He said that at that time when I was jokingly asking for a treat, he was having problems at home coz his parents couldn’t even put food on their table. I didn’t know! I told him that it always helps to say something. Then he said that I was makulit, coz he says that if he has problems he’d say it and he doesn’t want people asking him. Then I repeated myself, that it helps to say something. Then he mused that it seems like I have no idea what the situation is at their home. He was always talking about things he wants to buy and he doesn’t want me bothering him of questions! I just had to end the conversation. I did say sorry that he felt that way about me and that it shouldn’t have been a huge argument if only he said something. When he asked for a quieter life, I gave that to him. If that’s not a friend to him, then I don’t know what is.
I don’t know what his problems are right now, or if I did something before to him that I don’t know about. My parents always tell me to choose my friends and choose them well. I thought I was already an expert and I have weeded the bad ones out of my life. When I met him, I thought I was a better expert in choosing friends. I guess, I was wrong. Real friends are hard to find these days, when you thought you have them, you don’t. 
Tags: Daily Blurbs, Movies
GoDaddy.com
