Room by Je’Ar
Oct 21, 2005 Uncategorized
This is the song that my friend wrote and sang. When he was still writing the song, he sang that to me and I thought that it would be a beautiful song, and it is. Feel free to download the song.
ROOM
by Je’Ar Los AñesI
Everything’s fake inside my tiny room
I hold in to my fate against the wind
Should I turn around and runaway
And swallow all the blameChorus
I’m in trying times again
I don’t know when it will end
I’m trying hard to send
All these weariness away…II
Sitting all alone in this lonely room
I watch and stare straight at the wall
All i have is faith in my empty hands
Will you follow me where I stand?Chorus
I’m trying to be the same
No matter when or where it ends
I’m trying to maintain
Only memories of you…Bridge
But time just holds the stain
Everyone is to blame
Will you follow me where I stand?
Please come and take my hand…Chorus
I’m trying to be the same
No matter when or where it ends
I’m trying hard to save
All these memories of you…
Tags: Music
The Wake Up Call
Oct 16, 2005 Daily Blurbs
For the longest time, I have always been quiet about what bothers me. Last night, I called up a close friend. He made me see things that I’ve been trying to avoid seeing. I guess I just had to hear from someone else. He says that I talk about other people too much, that I don’t talk about myself at all. Maybe I do, sometimes, but most of the time, it’s just me, whining.
He says that it’s all right to be frustrated, but after that, you move on. I guess, I just have too many suppressed emotions, and I know that I brought this upon myself, that I am afraid to risk anything at this point in my life. He says that I should be grateful for the things that I learn from the mistakes I’ve done or from the results of the risks I’ve taken. I told him that I am just scared that there would be no one to catch me but myself, and that I am not strong enough to do that.
I know that I have friends and I have my family, but I don’t know how they would react to my actions, or if it will affect them in any way. The last thing that I want to happen is for them to get hurt because of me. I guess I just don’t love myself enough and it shows. The emptiness that I feel is probably just something that I say, or maybe it’s an excuse. I don’t even know what or who will fill it up, or is it just waiting for me to fill it up myself.
The angry-girl attitude that I have is getting me nowhere. It just buries me 21-feet-under. I am insensible because I chose to be. It’s what I call, my shield. I refuse to become too emotional about myself. I know it’s not right, but I have to stop. I have to help myself get through this and start rebuilding myself. I know it’s going to be hard and I’ll probably walk baby steps to become whole again, but I will be whole again.
Thanks, dude. I don’t have to tell the world who you are, but I thank the One above for letting you to be a part of my life, and I thank you for waking me up. Thanks for being straight up with me; you don’t know how much I appreciate that. There have been so many times that I wish I could be like you, or maybe, half of who you are. The way I see you handle things, it’s just amazing, and I can’t tell you how much of a wonderful person you are. You’ll never be forgotten.
Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts
Shade of Red
Oct 5, 2005 Daily Blurbs
It all started a year and a half ago. Red and I met. A common friend introduced him to me. It’s not like we hit it off the first time. I hated him. He’s too obnoxious and so full of himself. He always tried so hard to ruin a part of my day. I don’t even consider him a friend at that time. When my friends and I would go out, I don’t know how, but he managed to show up and join in the fun.
In three months time, he started to mellow down. He stopped picking on me. I considered him a friend now. We started to become close and he would give me a call once in a while to ask how I’m doing, or most of the time he calls just to whine about his love life. That went on for quite a while. Our common friends never really knew that we were that close. I didn’t think that it was more than friendship because I know platonic when it is.
Early this year, Red and his girlfriend of 1 year had been having problems. Well, not like a life or death situation, it’s more of a time issue. He said she doesn’t have enough time for him, and she said he’s too clingy and childish. As a good friend, I tried to cheer him up, grabbed coffee and talked for hours about his love life and about nothing.
Suddenly, things just felt different. Things got too awkward. Well, at first, it was just he being strange. He would send me SMS saying that things were strange about us. I didn’t feed his imagination because I don’t feel strange at all. I just brushed him off gently saying that he’s just lonely. He would go to my house almost everyday before I go to work. He would bring me coffee and cinnamon sticks. He knows I love cinnamon. I still didn’t think that it was strange. I was just thinking that he was just grateful that I am being a really good friend to him.
A month to that, he called me on my cell phone in the middle of the night, crying, saying they have broken up. Of course, I was surprised because I knew he loved her very much. He said he was coming over because he doesn’t want to be alone. So I got ready and waited for him to arrive. By 2:30am, he was in front of our house. His eyes were puffy and showed lack of sleep. We then headed to Antipolo, on his favorite spot. We talked for hours on end about what happened and why they broke up. He didn’t tell me the whole truth, and she doesn’t know the whole truth.
I got back by 7am. He went home.
For three weeks straight, he would wait for me at home. My mom even asked what we are but I always say we’re just close friends. She would just smile, and so do we. One night, he waited for me at Shaw Blvd. because he knows that I ride the MRT everyday. We headed to Starbucks Shangri-La, had coffee and as always, talked for hours.
We headed home and when we got to the main gate of our village, he got an urgent call from his mom telling him that he’s got to go home. I told him that I’m good and that I’ll just take the jeepney service. He said he’d walk me there, so we got out of his car and walked towards the waiting shed. As we always do, we say goodbye by doing beso-beso. This time, it was different. He caught me by surprise and kissed me right on the lips. I didn’t have the chance to react. I just stood there, stunned. I just muttered the word Ingat. He looked at me once, and then walked towards his car.
I sent him an SMS and asked, “Sinadya mo?” He replied, “I did.” It took me a while to reply, I was about to, but he beat me to it and said, “Are you mad at me?” I said I wasn’t and that he just surprised me. He then said, “Next time, I will kiss you longer…” I didn’t know what to say at that time, and I don’t know what we were and what we’re going to be. I just said goodnight.
For the next few weeks, we were inseparable. We were closer than ever. He even gave another SIM card so that he can call me anytime and he could cutback from his cell phone bills. Oh yes, he is thrifty. We never knew what we were, but we were really happy at that time and we would acknowledge that. He would always ask if I was happy, and I’d ask him, too. One of his messages to me was, “Dre, are you happy right now? I mean, not saying that we’re in the ‘in love’ state, but are you happy that in a way someone is close to you? Something like that…” It’s not really important what I told him, but what I can say is that, if it wasn’t love, it was a lot like it.
But a part of me felt that something was up. I could not pin point what it was. He would look happy whenever we’re together, and we still talked for hours, and then I just noticed that there were times that he would mention her name, and he looks different every time. It wasn’t different bad; it was more of a different good. So, I knew that I had to do the right thing.
For two weeks, I made the initiative to have less talks and less time. I had to come clean, of course.
We met for our usual coffee. We came off as weird. We were talking non-sense. Then I just had to blurt it out. “You have to talk to her, start over with her. I know you are happy with me, hut I know that you will be more content and happier if you are with her.” I was trying my best to hold back the tears. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just looked at me with his eyes in question of what, how, why. I said that I didn’t have to explain and that he already knew what’s going on.
We had to get out of the crowded place, so we headed to our spot in Antipolo. He got mad at me for saying what I said. He pointed out that I am in doubt what we have. I then asked, “What do we have?” He couldn’t even look at me to answer. He never answered the question. How could he? He doesn’t even know what we are, so do I.
We were quiet for a really long while. He broke the silence and said, “Dre, I am so sorry. I didn’t know. I wasn’t aware that I was hurting you. It was… I was… I am so sorry…” He was at a loss so he just gave me a hug. I nearly cried, but I didn’t. I’ve already expected that this would happen even from the start. It just felt good to have someone there really close to me and made me feel that I am not alone. His voice was quivering when he said that he wants to think about things and he says that he doesn’t want to lose me. I had to be firm so I had to give him up for the sake of his happiness.
Sometimes I feel so stupid for doing that, but I know that it’s best for both of us and in the long run we’re both going to find peace and contentment with the choice that we made. I still think about him sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. We’re friends again and I am glad that he’s happy.
Sometimes, when everything is black and white, a shade of red will come to brighten up the monotonous cycle of the things that you see.
I am glad he passed by.
Tags: Daily Blurbs, Thoughts
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